Growing a Good Adolescent

My son went to his first Prom last weekend. When your son is 14 and six foot two he is a study in contrasts. He might look grown but in many ways he is as much a child as ever. When they are 14 it can be even more difficult as they think they know everything even when they do not, do not want to ask for help, and are mortified at the thought of exposing their feelings for public view.

My son is a good boy. He is athletic, intelligent, well mannered ( outside the house ) and possessing of a charisma that must be real even if we as his family do not see it. He is also, however, self centered. I try to remember when I was his age and must admit that I do not think his condition is terminal. I think it is almost normal. I know that I was mortified at sharing with my parents and wanted to fit in to a fault. The prism that we look at life through as an adult, " be a leader not a follower" is easier said than done when you are 14 and insecure about the thought of being different.

My middle son, in junior high, is as worried about fitting it if not more so. What makes them so. My oldest son does eschew modern music and does not like scary movies that his friends like and does not pretend to fit in these small ways. So I guess there is hope that freedom to be himself will continue to grow. I think that his success in extra curricular activities lets him have a little more wiggle room in his ability to be independent though he still has a long way to go. My middle son has had some struggles in extra curricular activities and I think that has hurt his ability to be more independent. However the next two years might well make a big difference.

To me however in terms of preparing for life I think my middle son is further along the path. The adversity he faces occasionally mixed with his desire to do grown up things such as work, make money, and other things are a far cry from my oldest son. My oldest son reminds me more of me, having so much fun in school that he has no great feelings of a rush to grow up. Why would he want to, he lives in a hotel that has good laundry service, pizza roll fairies that come and increasing levels of success in academics, athletics, and girls.

The danger in this success is that by having less adversity the desire to move to the next step may be limited. I need to help him over the next few years to be prepared for the real world. We as parents always worry we are doing too much or too little. We worry over finding the balance between what makes them happy and what will help them be better people. It is not often that they intersect.

We all know people who tell you that high school was the best time of their lives. It is our job as parents to make sure it is a good experience but also one that prepares them for future happiness AND success.

It is a balance we struggle with each day but just as they need confidence so do we. Watch your children when you are not around or I should say when they do not know you are around. If you like what you see you most likely are doing well.