The Big Scare

As I write this I am sick. Over the last few months I have experienced symptoms of muscle weakness that have progressed and spread. Thus far we have seen primary care physicians, osteopaths, physical therapists and recently neurologists. I have had blood tests and recently the special pleasure of an EMG. If you do not know what this is you are lucky, if you do I accept your sympathies.

So where are we at this point. We do not know. We now are being referred to a specialist in Boston. My neurologist advises she " thinks" that what we are dealing with is rare and certainly may require some life modifications but does not believe we are in the fatal area. She advises once diagnosed she would be pleased to administer and manage my care at the local level. I feel like a patient that the interns might fight over on Grey's Anatomy. When they mention one in a million rare you do not know if you should feel lucky or unlucky.

Most days I choose to feel lucky. I have a great life. I have a wonderful wife, three children who are healthy and vibrant with life and family and friends that have offered wonderful support. I do not know what the outcome is but I do know that the days of our lives are not promised. I want to live a long life, but like most of us temper that by saying if I can have a measure of happiness in that life and not be a burden to those I love and who love me. I told a good friend of mine, walking and moving ones arms are things we do not appreciate until we struggle to do so but it is not all that life is.

I want to see my children grow and see my grandchildren get spoiled under my wife's watch. I feel as confident as one can about their future under the worry of an undiagnosed illness.

I am lucky. One of the great sins we hear about is greed. I am scared like any man would be in this situation. I hope God will forgive me for my greed to live this wonderful life I have for many many more years.

I love Maine summers, fall is beautiful in Maine. Winter is long and cold and seems like it will never end. I will consider this as my winter of discontent and worry. But spring, summer and fall will come. By then I should have an idea of my future and how I will be affected by this . But I will be thankful. And I will greet those seasons with joy. We all should