Values We Pass Down

What values are the most important to you, that is what values do you want to pass to your children the most. We like to think that our children learn good things from us and for the most part we are correct. We know that they also learn bad things from us, be it to be quick tempered, disorganized or worse yet.

Today I want to talk about the most important values. What would they be. Honesty, Hard Work, Responsibility I think would be three that I would want to teach my children.

I think that one of the qualities that we see so many adults lacking and that we all should strive to teach our children is contentment. Now I do not mean contentment in place of aspiring and ambition. These two qualities are perhaps the most important to career success.

When my children were younger I think that I did a really good job in teaching them my values. I worked constantly, never missed a day of work. My children understood that work was a part of life, appreciation was a part of life.

In the past weeks as our older children start to contemplate life after high school we have been talking with them about their goals. It is not an easy process. Our children have been quite successful in high school and I think that in itself can create a cocoon that they perhaps are not bursting to break out of.

We have talked about professions with my oldest son. We have talked about the medical field, engineering, pharmacy and because we admire the profession teaching. My son at this point seems to have no real clear vision of what he wants to do. Here is what he does know he wants. He would like to make alot of money. I must admit I was surprised and perhaps even a little disappoited to hear that as the first goal. I like money. I wish we had a bigger house and my eyes rest often on new Camaro's and Mustang's that would make me look like I belonged in a Viagra commercial. Still I believe I have taught my son that it is essential to enjoy and find fulfilling what you do for a profession. I have suggested he find his passion and then find a way to make a good living doing that. In the same vein however I am not one who encourages a liberal arts education that could bring him out of college with no clearly defined skill set.

So when money is a first goal, defined by him as having a big house with lots of rooms and the ability to take lots of vacations and take lots of trips, it does take one aback. For my wife and I, if we are honest, it was a bit hurtful to hear. For us the two things, a big house and extravagant vacations, are things we have not provided.


I never lose sleep over what I have provided my children. I feel like I have done well by my children. I certainly have done my best as has my wife.

Tonight our middle son, my step son, my wife's son, who had not been present at the previous conversation with my oldest, told us much the same thing that he wants to make a great deal of money to have lots of stuff.

Now first off we should be glad our children are honest with us and we want them to have aspirations. I cannot help however feeling disappointed. Perhaps it is because I do not think their goals are defined, or attached in any great way to the ethics of hard work that in most cases must come with financial success. At least for those of us not born into wealth.

So have we done something wrong in our parenting. I am not sure. I have never defined success as having lots of things. Perhaps in some way it is a rebellion against my values. We are told that we often recognize our children least at this age. Perhaps that is the case.

I of course want them to be successful. I am not sure that their definition of success is one with a happy life.

When I think of my childhood my family had very few extra's. As the youngest, in my childhood, we had much more than my older siblings had, but we still were far from wealthy. I can remember being happy with my Christmas gifts and such and hearing of the presents that had been under the tree of friends and felt a bit jealous. It never ate me up. I think the reason was that I had several friends that were so much worse off, obviously so, knowing that perhaps gave me a feeling of perspective that my children do not have.

My wife and I were talking tonight as we both nursed a few hurt feelings over the honesty of our sons and I observed that our children had more than we would have ever imagined as children but unlike us they have no friends that have less. In fact as I think about their friends I cannot think of any that have clearly less than our family and in fact in most cases they live in bigger houses and have more " things."

Perhaps with that perspective, being a teenager susceptible to human feelings we as adults can rationalize away, it is not surprising that they place such value on wealth and material. If we as parents have made a mistake perhaps it is by living in an area where the social groups are stratified. When I was in high school some of the most popular kids came from poor families, one of my best friends lived in a house with no running water. I think this may have given me a grounding and a foundation that our children lack.

Even with this partial possible understanding of the feelings of our children we still fear that perhaps these lessons or feelings from their teenage years might set them up for a false understanding of happiness. We will keep talking of what we feel is important, we will keep trying to demonstrate what a happy household can be, in the end however as with most lessons we try to give, most lessons will have to be learned on their own.

And you cannot often buy the answers but they are far from free.