Being a Sports Parent

It is hard to be a parent of a student athlete. Some of our sons friends parents are not at many games, some parents cannot be of course with other commitments and some of our their teammates are blessed/cursed with parents like us who try to be there for everything. I want my children to do well. I want them to succeed. Most of all i want them to be happy. With my kids happy usually translates to doing well. I remember watching some children when my boys played little league, some kids would go off happy and smiley win or lose...my kids are a little more competitive than that. Wired different I guess. I remember my oldest son playing his very first farm league baseball game at age six. He played the game and had a good time but as the score was not made an important part of the game was shocked to find out at the end they had lost and shed some real tears.

As your children get older sports become very competitive. There are limited spots and many kids that do not even make the teams. There are also many kids that make teams that get to play very little. My oldest son is on a team at his high school, just the freshman team. He has played on average about 15 to 20 minutes a game, started a few, came off the bench in more and overall had a pretty good year. He is still growing and hopes to be successful but knows that it will be a challenge. He is an ultra competitive kid, this has been a good experience for him to face some adversity. That said at least six to seven of the kids on the team have played no more than a total of 15 minutes all season. This is difficult. Is it the responsibility of a coach to get everyone playing time. At the varsity level no, for the JV and freshman team it is a difficult choice. As a parent I am glad my son is playing as much as he is. I also know that he has worked hard to earn that playing time, I am not sure if I am a believer that everyone should play the same. All but a few kids as they get older will run into that point where their athletic ability hits a wall against the competition. As parents we want to extend that.

My 12 year son in seventh grade is also ultra competitive. As opposed to his 6 foot 2, 14 year old step brother who is still growing into his body and perhaps still growing, he is 4 foot six and all heart. His size is the only thing holding him back as his intensity and effort are always huge. However this year he made his junior high basketball team which was a huge victory for him. However his playing time was limited and he was disappointed in that. I too was disappointed for him, but in the opposition from my oldest son would I favor his playing time increasing. Do junior high boys want to win any less. Do the boys that have more talent and have worked harder not deserve to be rewarded for that with playing time. I am not sure, my vote would be no.

Which brings us to an incident in a game I went to Monday night. In the girls game previous to my 12 year olds last game of the season a parent was distressed by the lack of playing time for his daughter. This is common and a feeling we all can understand. However he from across the gym started yelling at the coach. Loudly. By the time everyone noticed where the sound was coming from he was yelling about his daughter only playing 20 seconds. Of course this prompted his daughter to burst into tears on the bench and the gentleman was escorted from the building. I understand frustration. I suspect in the coming years I will feel that as my oldest son starts to hit his limits and my middle son continues to struggle. How a parent however can think that yelling in a crowded gym at a coach will make things better for his daughter is hard to know.

So what do we do as parents. Do we support the coach who hurts our kids with his choices as a man or woman doing their best? Do we tell our kids they deserve to be playing no matter what we may know in our objective hearts. I follow the rule in that during a game I might tell my wife or friends around us that our son is playing poorly or making a mistake. I would not say the same about other players. I might say Oh thats not what we wanted...but I feel strongly we do not want to criticize other players.

At this same game last night I heard parents complaining about what they perceived as poor play from players. Saying the boys are not playing well is acceptable. Saying Boy A is not hustling is not a statement that anyone but his parents should be saying loudly. We also saw grownups trying to bother free throw shooters from the opposing team. This is understandable in college and perhaps even at the varsity level of high school, if by the students. Not at the junior high level.

At one event, a junior high game, I was left shaking my head three times over events. I make mistakes, I am sure I take too much happiness about if my sons hit a ball or throw it in a hoop but I do think life lessons can be taken from sports. Unfortunately not all of those lessons are about the right way to act, in some cases they are about the wrong way to act. A lesson is a lesson but we need to do better.